Not Mine

Feast of the Holy Family

    One of the things that we learn from a young age, which is not necessarily good, is the concept of “mine.”  Certainly there is a natural, perhaps genetic, reaction to items that we need to survive.  But anyone who has dealt with a toddler who has learned the word, “mine,” can attest that it quickly goes beyond basic necessities of life like food and drink, and becomes the M.O., the modus operandi, or way of operating, when it comes to just about anything.  And toddlers have a grip strength that seems to defy logic.  Hopefully, the child grows out of this obsession with mine, though some adolescents, and even adults are still fixated on what is mine, such that they sound more like the seagulls in “Finding Nemo,” or like Gollum in “The Lord of the Rings.”
    Contrasted with the idea of mine is the family, as we celebrate the Feast of the Holy Family today.  Hannah, the wife of Elkanah, had experienced difficulty in conceiving, and had wept copiously in the temple, such that Eli, the priest, thought she was drunk.  But she, with God’s help, conceived and gave birth to Samuel, and, as promised, she returned Samuel to God after she finished weaning Samuel.  
    This probably does not make sense to us.  We would never give up a child.  But this theme of a child that belongs to God runs through the Old Testament.  Think of Isaac, the son of Abraham.  Or Samson, whose father and mother couldn’t conceive, but who received the blessing of a child as announced by an angel, as long as the parents didn’t drink alcohol or eat unclean foods.  And their son, Samson, could not cut his hair.  In fact, the Mosaic law commanded that every firstborn son had to be presented to the Lord in the Temple and redeemed with a sacrifice, as Mary and Joseph did with Jesus, which we will celebrate at Candlemas, the Feast of the Presentation of the Lord.  So offering one’s child to the Lord was not unknown to the Jewish People before the birth of Christ.
    But even after the birth of Christ, we should offer our families to God.  No, I’m not saying that when you child is misbehaving you can drop him or her off at the church and not have to worry about the child again.  But we should be ready to offer our family spiritually to God each and every day.
    Because, after baptism, before we belong to anyone else, we belong to God.  Yes, naturally we belong to our human family, but the bonds of baptism bind us to God in a way that supersedes our bonds to the human family.  That is how Jesus can say that if we cannot give up father and mother, we cannot truly be His disciple.  Most of the time we don’t have to give up family to follow God, but if our family asked us to do something wrong, our first allegiance should be to God.

    For husbands and wives, that means that your spouse, who is probably the most precious person to you in the world, doesn’t really belong to you.  He or she belongs to God, and your vocation as a spouse is to help your spouse get to heaven, because that’s where God wants him or her to be.  In the Episode III of “Star Wars,” Anakin Skywalker turns to the dark side because he cannot stand the idea of his wife, Padmé, dying, and so the Sith Lord, Emperor Palpatine, tricks Anakin into following him with the promise that Palpatine will help save Padmé’s life.  He forsakes all the good he could do for the opportunity to hold on to his wife.  Ironically (spoiler alert), Anakin himself ends up killing Padmé in his anger towards her for not going along with his conversion to evil.  Certainly, husbands and wives should love each, and sacrifice their own good for the other.  But your spouse belongs to God first and foremost, who allows you to be a good steward in caring for your spouse.  But you do not fully possess him or her.
    For parents, this applies to children, as well.  Your child is yours.  But your child is primarily God’s.  You are called to help the child know God and follow God.  Sometimes children will thank you for this and make this part of your vocation easy.  Sometimes children will not like you making sure that you know about God and about how following Him leads to perfect happiness.  And, to a certain extent, we can’t control how children end up.  But parents are responsible for doing all that they can to help their children grow in the faith through prayer, Bible reading, instruction, and even discipline to help children grow in virtue.  From the second you have your child baptized, you acknowledge that your child is “on-loan” to you from God, and God will want to collect on that loan with interest.  God doesn’t want your child to remain a child in the faith, but to grow to adulthood in his or her relationship with God.  That is the interest God expects on what He entrusts to you.
    So please, by all means, care for your family members: your spouse, your children, your parents, your siblings.  But do so recognizing that they are not primarily yours.  We cannot be toddlers when it comes even to our families and say “mine” all the time.  To paraphrase St. Paul in his first epistle to the Corinthians, you are not your own.  You belong to Christ, and Christ to God the Father.  May we each find ways of offering our family to God each day, and helping them get to our true home in heaven.

Holy, Not Easy-Living, Families

 Feast of the Holy Family
    In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.  The Book of Job is one of the great books of the Old Testament.  The main message of the book is that one can do everything right and still have bad things happen.  It was the prevailing wisdom that if good things happened, God was blessing you, and if bad things were happening to you, God was punishing you for something you did wrong.  
    I think that we can often fall into that same mindset: if something good happens to me, then I must have done something good, or God is rewarding me.  If something bad happens to me, then I must have done something bad, or God is punishing me.  This can certainly creep in to our understanding of family life.
    It can start with even searching for a good spouse: if I cannot find someone to love, someone with whom to spend my life, then I must be doing something wrong.  If I fall in love and the other person reciprocates, then I must have done something right.  Honestly, sometimes finding the right person takes time, and God can allow you to go through lesser relationships in order to learn more about yourself, or about the qualities that you would want in a spouse.  The key, of course, is to be willing to commit your entire life (better and worse, sickness and health, prosperity and poverty) to a person whom you will help to get to heaven.  And some couples who look perfect together sometimes are just infatuated, which they hopefully find out before the enter into the life-long commitment of marriage.
    It can continue with trying to have children.  Over the past two years, I have become more aware and more sensitive to the realities of miscarriages.  Whether it’s my best friend and his wife, family friends, and/or parishioners, I have come to understand better the deep pain and heartache that come from a miscarriage.  I have spoken with mothers who simply want to have a child, but it doesn’t seem to happen; mothers who love their unborn baby, but whose baby, nevertheless, dies in the womb; mothers who try to avoid all the things that could lead to a miscarriage but who still have to go through that agony.  How easy it can be to ask the question, “Why is God punishing me?  What have I done wrong?”  In the midst of that pain and heartache, we know that God would never kill a child to prove a point, or to get back at a parent.  Why some miscarriages happen or why God would allow it can remain a mystery.  But we know that God walks through that valley of the shadow of death with parents, and never leaves them without His consoling love.  
    Or, it can happen when the children are grown and are making their own decisions.  Despite the best parenting, children can make bad decisions and choices.  It is so easy for parents to take those decisions and choices personally, and presume that the bad choices are because of bad parenting.  But even in the best of circumstances, people can sin and can do things that they shouldn’t.  Look at St. Peter: he was one of our Lord’s closest friends, the leader of the apostolic college, and had great zeal for protecting the Lord.  And he still denied that he even knew the Savior during His Passion.  Would we accuse Christ of skipping over something that He should have taught Peter?  Or not loving Peter enough?  Of course not!  Children, especially adult children, have free will.  We can give them every good thing, and they can still walk away from those good things.  I think especially of the uncountable number of Catholics who have walked away from their Catholic faith, even though their parents did their best to give them a good foundation in the faith.  Or consider an adult child who, while being raised to say no to drugs and underage drinking, makes a choice to try a controlled substance or decides to drive drunk and ends us dying.  Free will is meant for us to say “yes” to Godly things, but it can also be misused to say yes to death and no to the life God offers.  
    So what do we do as families?  Do we give up?  Do we let our lives be governed by fate or the pagan idea of karma?  No.  We give our families the best chance of success by being strong in our faith in Christ.  We hold fast to the Church, trusting that, if we do our best, then hopefully others’ free will can be used for God’s purposes.
    If you’re seeking a spouse, we pray, like Tobiah and Sarah, to find the spouse that God wants for you so that you can come together, not out of lust, but out of doing God’s will.  If you’re seeking a spouse and not having much success, you might recognize that God wants you to grow in your trust of Him and His plan, rather than forcing things with your own plan.  You trust that God will reveal, at the right time, a person who can help you grow in holiness as a married person, if that is God’s plan for your life.
    If you’re married and trying to have children, by all means, use the knowledge of the human body that God has given to doctors and scientists.  But if your attempts at conception are not fruitful, or if you have to mourn the loss of your child who did not survive outside of the womb, know that the love that you have for your child is not wasted.  God is love, and so the love that the child in your womb received was a participation in God, and God will help you, either to conceive a child, or God may call you to adopt and share that love with a child whose parents could not support that child that they conceived.  Don’t give in to the temptation to play God by in vitro fertilization or surrogacy, which are both gravely contrary to God’s plan for human conception, but seek God’s will and God’s plan for sharing the love you have for a child.
    And if, after having children, they wander away from a virtuous life, whether the human virtues or the theological virtues, don’t give up praying for your children.  Don’t blame yourself, either.  Free will allows us to love, but when used poorly it can be very painful.  Still, it is better that we can love than not to be free.  Do your best to draw your children back to a virtuous life if they have strayed, and lead by an example of joyful and loving obedience to the truth.  Use prudence on when to protect adult children and when to let them experience the consequences of their actions.  But love them always, even if that love has to be from afar.  

    As we celebrate the Holy Family, it can be easy to think that if we simply do the right things, life will be easy and without burdens.  But look at the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph: Joseph died before Christ was 30 years old, making Mary a widow; Mary had to allow her son to perform His ministry of preaching, which led to His death on a cross; our Lord did everything right, and yet was rejected by His People, and even abandoned by most of His closest friends.  If the Holy Family had struggles, even though two out of the three of them never sinned, then we, who are sinners, will also have trials and tribulations.  But, like the Holy Family, bring them to our loving Father, who with the Son and the Holy Spirit live and reign, world without end.  Amen. 

What Heaven Requires

Twenty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time

    There are definitely a few extended family members of mine that think, quite incorrectly, that just because I am a priest and they are related to me, they will automatically go to heaven.  Sometimes people joke about that, but I’m pretty sure some of my extended family members are quite serious.
    There are also probably large amounts of people who think that, as long as you’re not Hitler or Stalin, then you can go to heaven, too.  We presume Hell is only for those who are the worst of the worst, and that you have to do something horribly evil even to be considered for Hell.  In contrast to that, Jesus says in today’s Gospel that “many…will attempt to enter but will not be strong enough” to go through the narrow gate.  It’s not even enough to have dined with Jesus and listen to His teaching.  There is something more that is required. 
    We honestly don’t know much about what exactly it will take for us to go to heaven.  Jesus didn’t give us a list to check off or leave blank, and if we get everything done, and don’t do any of the things on the naughty list, then we’ll get in.  We do know that the ordinary way of preparing to go to heaven is through baptism.  But even that is simply a beginning to our salvation, not the end.  We also know that part of our judgment is how we treated Jesus by the way we treated the least of His brothers and sisters (see Matthew 25, and the parable about the Rich Man and Lazarus).  But even in those accounts, there is surprise: surprise by those who cared for Jesus when He was in need; surprise by those who didn’t care for Jesus when He was is need; surprise by the Rich Man who enjoyed a pleasant life on earth, but then ended up in Hell. 
    I think part of our issue is that we often view heaven like becoming an Eagle Scout: if I get all the right merit badges by the time I die, then God has to give me the reward.  Instead, I believe the Lord, in today’s Gospel, is inviting us to view our path to heaven in a similar way to a marriage.
    After all, a good, happy, and holy marriage is not about doing this and not doing that.  Certainly there are things you should do, and things you shouldn’t do.  Do remember your anniversary and your spouse’s birthday; don’t have an affair.  Do things that your spouse will appreciate; don’t verbally or physically abuse your spouse.  Do things that make your spouse’s life easier and more enjoyable; don’t treat your spouse like you would treat a maid or butler.  And the list goes on. 
    But, the loving husband (the image that comes easiest to me as a guy; but ladies, just flip it around for yourselves as a loving wife) isn’t checking-off the boxes of things that need to be done.  He anticipates his beloved’s needs and wants, and does his best to fulfill them.  He prioritizes his wife above everything other than God, and shows that priority by the way he works, the way he takes time off, the words he says to her, the things he does for her, the way he loves their children, etc.  The couple who has been happily married for 50 years didn’t get there by only having a great wedding and celebration, or only doing the things that were the bare minimum for the relationship.  The happily married couple was always looking for new ways to grow in their love for each other and express it in word and deed.
    Is that how we view our relationship with God?  Because heaven is simply being with God forever, and God will not force us to be with Him if we don’t want to be.  If we’re not in love with God, then we may find the teaching that skipping Mass without a good reason (and no, sports is not a good reason) could lead you to Hell very difficult.  But if we love God, we work the rest of our day, even our recreation, around Him, because we want to spend time with Him.  If we’re not in love with God, then following the Church’s teaching to not use artificial contraception is going to seem “out of touch.”  But if we love God, we see that the sexual act has a meaning given to it by God, and when we go against that meaning, we do not express love in the way God wants us to express it. 
    The key that Jesus gives us today, it seems to me, on how to get to heaven is precisely about if we showed our love for Him by following Him.  It wasn’t simply about being the Chosen People; people “from the east and the west and from the north and the south” would be entering the kingdom of God because they fell in love with God and made Him the most important part of their life.  I think Jesus would say to us that it’s not simply about being a baptized Catholic, or going through the motions of what our faith requires (hearing the teachings of Jesus, getting the right sacraments, and making sure to avoid the big sins).  It’s about being in love with Him and letting that love be manifest by the choices we make in our home, in our office, in our recreation, in our voting, and in every aspect of our life.  Listen to the words of the Letter to the Hebrews: “Make straight paths for your feet.”  Set out for heaven, not as a task to be accomplished with certain actions to be avoided, but as the final destination of a heart transformed by the love of God which seeks to grow ever more deeply in love with the One who first loved us.

God Isn't Santa Claus

 Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time
    When we’re young we often picture God as something like Santa Claus.  Our parents may encourage us to think of God like Santa Claus because we ask Him for things that we need and/or want.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, as, when we’re children, we should learn to go to God whenever we need something.

    But if we stay in this mode into adulthood, it stunts our spiritual growth and our capacity to be in a deeper relationship with God.  Specifically, it stunts our prayer life.  And prayer is certainly the theme of our first reading and Gospel today.  
    When we’re stuck in the Santa Claus God mode, all we do is go to God when we need something or want something.  “God, please let this girl like me”; “Lord, I need a better job”; “God, let me win the Mega Millions, and I’ll give some to the Church, and it won’t ruin me like it ruined all those other people”; or, as the song says, “Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz”.  And then, if we get what we want, God goes back into the distance, to be beckoned when some other desire arises, like a genie we summon from a lamp.  Or, if we don’t get what we want, we can write off God altogether, and figure that He’s not worth our time if He’s not going to give us what we want, especially if we feel we’ve been good and deserve it.
    God invites us to a more adult relationship with Him.  God wants us to consider our relationship with Him more in the vein of a child or a spouse.
    When we view ourselves as God’s beloved children, and Him as our loving Father, then we have confidence to ask Him for the things that we need.  And Jesus tells us today to be persistent, as children often are when they need something.  God can’t be worn down, like earthly parents, but how many parents have relented because their child kept asking them for something.  Of course, it has to be for something good, or something we need.  God doesn’t give us a snake instead of a fish, or a scorpion in place of an egg.  God gives us good gifts.     
    And children learn this lesson from their parents as well: if they ask for something that is not good, or something they don’t need, they don’t get it.  Children may ask for ice cream every night, but they don’t (and shouldn’t) get it, as it’s not healthy for them.  Soon enough, and sometimes with an explanation, children learn that their parents will give them anything they need, and sometimes even things they want, as long as it’s in the child’s best interest.  So with God: when we ask for something good, and are persistent in our asking, God gives us what is good for us and what we need.  
    But children do not only ask parents for stuff they want.  Children also go to their parents to say, “I love you,” and “thank you,” and just to be with the ones who love them.  God also wants us to come to Him when we don’t need something, when we just want to be surrounded by His love.
    When we view ourselves as God’s beloved spouse, we also have confidence to talk freely with God.  Of course, the analogy of a spouse falls down, because spouses are co-equals, while God is not our equal.  But God does want to hear from us openly and with confidence, even while respecting God’s majesty.  Look at the first reading: it starts with God sharing with Abraham the plans to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for their sexual wickedness, sins, the Bible says and the Catechism affirms, which cry out to heaven for divine justice.  And then Abraham tries to barter with God for the safety of the cities (which doesn’t change what happens, because there aren’t even 10 innocent people in the cities).  But Abraham has that confidence that a husband would have with his wife, or a wife would have with her husband, to talk about what is important, and to see what the options are and ask for a reconsideration.  Abraham is not rude or arrogant when talking with God (good luck getting what you want from a spouse if you’re being a jerk about it), but does not fear to bring up his point of view and make sure God understands where He is coming from.  Jesus told His Apostles at the Last Supper, “‘I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master is doing.  I have called you friends, because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father.’”  Through baptism, we become the family of God, and God wants to share with us His plans, and He wants us to share with Him our desires.  
    It is easy to get stuck in a childish view of God, and a childish way of approaching Him where we only go to Him when we need something.  Instead, we should rely on God for what we need, but do so in a chidlike way where we can go to God, not only for what we need, but also to thank God and spend time with Him because we love Him and He loves us, and know that He give us what we need, even if we don’t always know what that is.  We should, with the confidence of a spouse, share with God our hopes and doubts, our fears and our dreams, and listen attentively to God’s plans.  
    Don’t be stuck in a childish view of God.  Turn to Him in prayer each day, not just for what you want, but to spend time with Him in love and gratitude, and listen for how He communicates that He loves you.